Partner Relationships
One of the most important books about couples psychotherapy is called “Love Is Never Enough” by Aaron Beck. He must have been heartless and insensitive to write such a terrible sentence… How is it possible that something as powerful as love is not enough?
Love is undoubtedly the most powerful force in the world — the one that drives it, sustains it, and gives it meaning. Yet, if we look around, we see so many couples who loved each other deeply but didn’t make it, so many loves that hurt, so many wonderful people who love each other but can’t stop hurting one another, so many loves that turned to contempt. It seems Beck knew what he was talking about after all.
Partner relationships are not just love — they are, as the name suggests, partnership, along with understanding, cooperation, compromise, alliance, exchange, communication, and much more. Marriage or partnership in any form needs nurturing, changes, goes through different phases, inevitably including crises that can be terribly painful. By working on all these elements, we can protect love or reawaken it and revive the most beautiful feelings that made us decide to spend our lives with the person we fell in love with.
Questions & Answers
What does it take to sustain a marriage or relationship?
According to Aaron Beck, partners need to develop and nurture qualities such as commitment, sensitivity, generosity, consideration, loyalty, responsibility, and reliability. He speaks of the importance of accepting, forgiving, compromising, and cooperating. The decision to marry is not just a matter of emotion, but of conscious choice — one that acknowledges emotions will change and that we will rely on these qualities to build a stable life together. Unfortunately, sometimes things spiral out of control and the relationship reaches a point where tolerance is no longer possible, and separation becomes the better option.
How should we prepare for marriage?
People often enter marriage during the phase of falling in love, which is full of illusions. In that phase, we idealize our partner and assume many things instead of discussing them. But what I take for granted doesn't mean my partner does the same — one may assume three children, the other one; one a religious upbringing, the other a liberal one; one living near the parents, the other moving out. These misaligned assumptions later become conflicts that are difficult to resolve within a marriage. Couples therapy can help you analyze your relationship and enter a lasting commitment from a place of clarity.
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